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Arundel and Davira by *cobrex13:iconcobrex13:



    “There is a time, I must admit, that I hated the world. When I was young, I fended for myself and not a soul knew, nor cared to know, where I was or how I may be doing. My own sister left me when I was but two months.”  Davira stalked over and slumped down next to Arundel. “I was alone.” she continued. “as time went by though, I did learn how to be alone. I hunted, I found a use for my wings and in time I would teach myself what would be needed.” Arundel cast her a look as he poked the remaining embers with a stick. The dragon’s crimson eyes focused intensely on the barren earth. “But, in reality, I didn’t think I could force myself to go on much longer. By this time I was roughly a year and not in good shape. Looking back on it now, I surprise myself that a hatchling could have made it alone.”
         Arundel hugged his knees and rested his head on his arms trying to find a comfortable and warm position. Then Davira focused on Arundel. “So years later, Morwen and Shamera came looking for me. Naturally, I had hid myself. Seething, I watched my ill-fated sister as she followed that grim man. I could see the evil that had eaten away at them. This would continue for quite some time, until it became routine.”  Sensing her prying eyes, Arundel looked up to face them. A far away fire of discontent burned in them.
         “Then I met you.” Davira sighed, “another human, was my first reaction. I thought I could use you though, to hide myself; manipulate you. As you did as I had told you, Morwen and Shamera left the area to look elsewhere. Soon after, you were captured. I didn’t care at first, but guilt tore at my conscience and I followed you to the prison where I watched for opportunity. To my surprise, you escaped. This is when I began to think you weren’t just some pathetic human to which I could give a simple thank you and move on.” Arundel glanced at her slightly and laid down on his back. “I’ve realized,” she said, “that time and time again you have stuck your neck out for me, and I’ve done nothing to repay you.”
          “Repay me?” Arundel snorted, “ I don’t need you to be in my debt. You’ve helped me plenty of times, and you’ve informed me of true happenings in this world. Besides, friends don’t need to ‘repay’ each other, simply the fact that you’ve stuck with a ‘pathetic human’ like me is more than enough the way I see it.”
            “Friends…” the dragon breathed out the word with a sense of relief. She leaned her over and flopped Arundel’s hair with her muzzle. “Yes, friends.” Her eyes glistened as she looked down at the last glowing ember from their fire and let a grin creep across her scaly lips.
©2008-2009 *cobrex13
:iconcobrex13:

Author's Comments

This is a small part of a chapter from the book :iconakelaokami: and I are writing.

I've asked her if i could post a small part from our book to see how people might like it, and hopefully you guys can give some ideas/advice.

Hrm. I chose this particular part because...er, it doesn't give too much away i hope. But also because i just love this part talking simply of friends...

any typos or grammer errors would be nice to point out if you see any.

This was originally written by :iconakelaokami: and i've just typed up this part and edited it, and maybe changed a few words here and there.

These characters and this writing (c) ~AkelaOkami and ~cobrex13


Aubrey you have every right to slap me and kill me if i chose a part that you didnt want me to put up....

Comments


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:iconcobrex13:
awww crap. all the indents and shit went away...

--
"He looked down from his perch to see the battlefield perfectly, the target of his next attack in his morbid game of wills."-Shadow

MBW= Mind Brain Workings. -Balmung284
:iconcobrex13:
okay fixed.

--
"He looked down from his perch to see the battlefield perfectly, the target of his next attack in his morbid game of wills."-Shadow

MBW= Mind Brain Workings. -Balmung284
:iconmetaphoric-dawn:
That's amazing, truly.

I hope you'll appreciate what I have to say, however, I only mean it as constructive criticism, please don’t be offended because I really do think you and Aubrey are both incredibly talented writers.

There are very few grammatical errors in this, honestly, I can’t find any obvious ones, though your sentence structure could possibly be improved on. Maybe try putting a few more commas to separate phrases in your sentences, just so they flow a little better?

The only other criticism I have is of your descriptions, they are amazing, they really are, but they are almost too descriptive. Take for example, “The dragon’s crimson eyes focused intensely on the barren earth straining a look of angst”, there is almost too much description in that- it makes it sound as if you are trying too hard to sound, I don’t know, professional? I can’t find the right word.

Of course, I feel kind of hypocritical because I do exactly the same, and I probably wouldn’t pick up on it unless someone pointed it out because I read my own work differently to how other people do, I bet you’re the same.


Gosh, I feel so mean, and so posh.
I sound all smart and stuff.
D:

Okay, seriously though, I idolise your talent so please don’t think that I’m being unfair about my criticisms? You may not agree with me, in which case, you can just disregard my opinion on the matter.

xD <3

--
I hate people with discriminatory prejudices.
:iconcobrex13:
nono!
this is good.
that line you pointed out was something i had changed and was wondering how it would work. I changed it back now.
Thanks!

--
"He looked down from his perch to see the battlefield perfectly, the target of his next attack in his morbid game of wills."-Shadow

MBW= Mind Brain Workings. -Balmung284
:icon1seshfluff3:
Wow. I love it! The first sentence really hooked me...and what?! You are not bad at writing. Can't wait!

--
98% of the teenage population drinks or has been around alcohol. Put this on your signature if you like bagels.

Click. There will be bubbles.
:iconcobrex13:
technically. this part was written by ~AkelaOkami and i just edited and stuff.

--
"He looked down from his perch to see the battlefield perfectly, the target of his next attack in his morbid game of wills."-Shadow

MBW= Mind Brain Workings. -Balmung284
:icon1seshfluff3:
Oh. Well, super editing!! >.< lol

--
98% of the teenage population drinks or has been around alcohol. Put this on your signature if you like bagels.

Click. There will be bubbles.
:iconcobrex13:
lol. maybe i'll put something i actually started if i feel the need to type...

--
"He looked down from his perch to see the battlefield perfectly, the target of his next attack in his morbid game of wills."-Shadow

MBW= Mind Brain Workings. -Balmung284
:icon1seshfluff3:
You'd better >w<

--
98% of the teenage population drinks or has been around alcohol. Put this on your signature if you like bagels.

Click. There will be bubbles.

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March 25, 2008
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